Did I ever tell you how much I distasted the fragility of human relationships? How, overnight you could just stop loving a person who meant the world to you? How one situation could drag a person down from the core of your heart to some random stranger who you loved once? How cursed we are by our ability to remember the pain someone caused us and never getting over it? Even the strongest bonds we shared could be more fragile than any of us have ever imagined. We as humans can be so, so fickle.
So, I have been asking myself lately - ' are you becoming the type of person you want to become?'
We spend so much of our time on auto-pilot; not fully caring about where exactly it is that we're heading in terms of our self-growth. I see so many people become complacent as early as their 20s, saying 'well this is who I am, take it or leave it' as though the concept of change doesn't exist whatsoever. Yes, a large part of our personalities and therefore our sense of 'self' is solidified by this stage. But it becomes worrying to see how more and more people are hopping onto this self-righteousness bandwagon, in the quest to prove how sure they are of themselves to everyone else when frankly, here's very little of life in general. We can ever be sure of to begin with, including our own identities. Since identities themselves shift and morph with time, through lived experiences with other people, places, life events - how is it possible to know exactly who you are when you've yet to experience the rest of your life?
How can we predict the extent to which our futures will have an impact on our very selves, possibly even changing the very core of who we are? I've increasingly found it more difficult to define who I am. Not because I don't necessarily know, but because by defining who I am, I inadvertently define who I'm not. If I say I'm a loud, extroverted person, then it would seem hypocritical to then want quiet time by myself. If I'm organized, then it would be 'unlike me' to procrastinate. If I'm religious, don't even get me started on all the things people assume I am and am not as a result I'm hesitant to label myself as an either/or, and so now I'm practising seeing myself on spectrums. I'm 'more this' and 'less that'.
With the intention to become 'more' or 'less' of particular traits that I actively want to change, with time and patience. But the truth is life has a peculiar way of teaching you the same lessons over and over again until you have finally understood what you were supposed to the first time. It is only when these particular teachings unveil and present themselves to you clearer than ever before that it’s almost blinding to the naked eye. You no longer have the option to pretend that you did not see it. Instead you are forced to take a step back and learn.
Once you're there, you can never go back to what you once knew or believed to be true. The illusion of everything you once admired has shattered. Your reality begins to shift and your perspective moves with it, and for a while, it can be the most unsettling, unstable position to be in. Everything is cold, dark, distant. it's painful too; change of any kind is usually coupled with mild discomfort at best. But this is where so many stumble into pitfalls of their own design, as the emotions can be too difficult to bear. No wonder we're-mindlessly latching onto anything that gets us to numb and dumb ourselves down to our basic inclinations and drives, hyper-addicted to whatever it is that brings us brief moments of 'joy' or amnesia over our current state of affairs, because it allows us to escape from the alternative.
In a world that subliminally pushes you to harden your heart and eventually lose yourself in the process, don't. I have personally spent too much time in my life moving in incoherent ways, going after everything I thought would 'help' all whilst subconsciously avoiding myself. I’ve started holding more space for my thoughts & emotions rather than constantly seeking distractions from them, whilst finally taking the lessons life has patiently been trying to teach me thus far. This world can truly be tough and even shocking at times; so to consciously maintain a soft, warm heart that pumps both blood and emotion and to remain true and authentic to it is an act of defiance more of us need to be willing to commit to.
So, I ask myself again - am I becoming the type of person I want to become?
Love, light & healing.
Until next time,
Shanzay.