Have you ever seen how a web of wires when accumulated together look like?
Tangled. Messy. Unorganized.
That is how my words have been feeling like lately. For weeks now I just cannot get myself to raise my hands and make supplication - you know that bone crushing dua that can explain the state of my heart. There is no denying that it is not like Allah is not aware of the state of my heart but I need to make that dua, so the tank of my heart can explode or more like it can breathe all over again.
I have done the long walks. I have stared at the waves for hours. I have read Surah Ad Duha. I have stayed in sujood. But the words aren't just coming right out. They just aren't. It is like they are stuck somewhere or more like trapped in my bones and what I end up saying is just the surface obligation of showing up. I am tired of showing up without my soul, I want to feel. I want this numbness to go away and I want Allah to envelope me in those bone crushing feelings.
More than often I worry about not being able to say the right thing or is there anybody I forgot to pray for. Because I know the power of healing, the power of expressing myself to Allah and how much relief that brings. I know how safe I feel once I hand over the reign of all my worries to Allah. So, which is probably why there is more confusion in my bones than there is in my words. The confusion of not knowing things, the confusion of praying but not having the soul praying or even the confusion towards the blessings that I have been blessed with.
The tangled web of the state of my heart brings me utmost grief and sadness. Even in this state of sadness I call out to the Al-Mighty and say, "Ya Allah..." and whatever courage I can muster that day. I call out because I know in the state of my fluctuating imaan, I need Him the most and this connection that we have should never be closed even when it feels like I am failing. And I know that He is listening despite my broken tangled words.
My relationship with Allah has never been linear or eloquent per say. It has always been about me being honest that I need the Al-Samee - The All Hearing. That He will know what I want to say despite my brokenness. His mercy goes beyond my comprehension. So, every time my faith fluctuates I am scared that maybe this time around this dip will lead to me losing on this connection with my creator. I am scared that I may not be able to feel like the way I want or more like I won't be able to have possess that feeling of gratitude. Though, I know He says, "Indeed, I am near." (2:186).
I know that He is waiting for me to take that one step towards Him so He can run towards to me. But how do I tell my failing state of imaan that, I am struggling to take that one step, that I need courage. Courage. I use my broken words and flawed intentions in hope that He will restore my broken faith and courage. My malleable heart is constantly changing, which is why the only thing I seem pray that O, Turner of hearts make me steadfast in this deen.
But, I am also learning to accept that I am human - created to rise and fall and rise and fall and repeat until I am buried in the ground. I am also learning to not delve into the self-loathing spiral and instead focus on the power of Al-Mujeeb. The one who responds, the answerer of prayers. Allah is capable of anything, far more than my pea sized brain can imagine. He is my Protector even at my rock bottom.
My Lord does not seek any form of perfection from me because He is the one who is perfect. All He seeks is my intent. I just simply need to walk to Allah and I know He will be waiting for me. There was hope also in the belly of the whale. Hope is my anchor. So, I am crawling slowly back to my Lord in hope.
فَإِنَّ مَعَ الْعُسْرِ يُسْرًا إِنَّ مَعَ الْعُسْرِ يُسْرًا
For indeed, with hardship [will be] ease. Indeed, with hardship [will be] ease.
(94:5)
Love, light and healing.
Until next time,
Shanzay.